I am working on a viral video. You are going to love it. I just know you will. I’m 100 percent sure. Why? Because it involves character actor Bronson Pinchot, who is a person who used to be kind of famous and now is not doing things that it will not make sense for him to do be doing (basket weaving, sheep shearing). It will also involve muskrats, precisely because it shouldn’t involve muskrats, which are an under-utilized (or perhaps perfectly utilized) semi-aquatic rodent.
It will also involve footage from a local cable access dance show where people are doing the percolator, which is a song as well as a dance from the ’90s, a decade that has passed, that people didn’t really appreciate much then and will appreciate even less now and, therefore, even more.
But the soundtrack will be King Missile’s “Detachable Penis,” which is a weird song very few people knew even when it was likely to be known. It’s the perfect amount of random. I calculated it. I should probably mention that it will also have frequent and perfectly-timed jump cuts to an extreme close-up on an old man with just the perfect number of teeth missing (7), who will be smiling while dressed as Robin Hood. At the bottom of the screen, the text “FAR OUT!!” will flash repeatedly.
As for unexpected physical pain, which is a thing that all people love, there will be a montage of increasingly funny animals kicking men wearing fanny packs (the accessories) in the crotch: kangaroo, camel, bonobo, emu, camel, jackrabbit, wallaby (as this is unexpected after kangaroo), all of which will have large moustaches.
As for the star wipe, it will be used for every transition that is not a jump cut. Actually, I’m only 99 percent sure that you’ll love this video. Which is why there will also be long-haired bovines dancing in a burlap bag while the parody song “Sackety Yaks” plays. Further, the montage of telenovela stars grimacing “Ernesto!” will come at the perfect time (1:47).
See, I’ve been paid to write “viral videos,” none of which went viral, which is a problem with the Internet, I suspect, and not me and certainly not the idea of “making something go viral.” So I should probably bump that 92 percent down to about 89 percent. That’s still pretty good though.
Okay, I’m going to level with you. I have no idea what makes something go viral, but fortunately for the companies who pay lots of money to have their content “go viral,” University of Melbourne professor Brent Coker does. See, he has a formula for knowing exactly what the kids want. It’s science. As for why his formula for what will go viral hasn’t gone viral, one can only assume that people want to keep this secret to themselves, lest everything go viral and therefore nothing.
Here is a funny picture of what happens when you Google “funny picture.”