March 23, 1839: the Day that English Died

Much has been made (not enough, I say!) about the kids and their Twittering that is ruining the English language. Prescriptivists Acolytes have condemned the service. The hashtag has been decreed a harbinger of doom. Unfortunately, things have been terrible for much, much longer. #observationfail

In last week’s New Yorker, Daniel Mendelsohn noted that the Carpathia’s radio operators, the “computer geeks of their day,” responded to the Titanic’s distress call with the insouciant, “What is the matter with U?” [Check out more exchanges here, where the Titanic adorably says they “hit a berg.”] Should the Carpathia’s radio operator have had the decorum to send, “You” instead of “U,” well, we will never know what would have happened. #imjustsayin

Blame this guy, kind of


Sadly, it seems this blatant disrespect for proper discourse dates to the very birth of the Victorian Internet, as Tom Standage noted in his fantastic book. Though it spawned decades of economic growth and facilitated the building of the railroad, the telegraph destroyed written English (and with federal funding to boot).

Only punks interested in wasting everyone’s time would have the gall to say “UR” for your, “NW” for now and “Hee” for nice phallus quip. Why were they in such a hurry? Did they have somewhere better to be? Why did “88” mean “best regards (to a woman)”? Who is this woman and what is the nature of these regards? One can only assume a harlot and seedy.

The first U.S. telegraph line, from Washington, D.C. to Baltimore, was completed in 1844, so surely that must have been the start of this silly shortening business. If only that were true.

During the 1830s, an even more insidious trend caught hold. Young, educated fashionable types began abbreviating things not for any practical purpose but just for the hell of it. But these weren’t just any old abbreviations. These were abbreviations based on intentional misspellings. And they appeared in newspapers no less!

It is this trend that birthed one of our most beloved Americanisms, “OK.” Thanks to the work of etymologist and lexicographer Allen Walker Read, we know that “OK” first appeared in print in the Boston Morning Post on March 23, 1839 as an in-joke where “OK,” which was abbreviated from the misspelling “oll korrect,” meant “all correct.” (Contrary to popular belief, the campaign of Martin “Old Kinderhook” Van Buren did not create “OK,” but it did probably solidify its place in language.)

Okay OK, fine. So some kids intentionally started misspelling phrases and then abbreviating those misspelled phrases. But who remembers “K.G.” for “know go,” “N.S.M.T.” for “‘Nough said ‘Mong Gentlemen,” or “K.K.K.” (#yep) for “Commit No Nuisance”? What does it have to do with today?

A simple search at the homepage of Reddit, the perennial purveyor of geek cool, for “kewl” yields a page full of usage. Too bad, according to History, the “kewl” geeks of the 1830s already thought of that one. They can also be credited with an early form of “deez” in “DZ,” though it would take another 160 years and the rise of gangsta rap for the world to see “deez nutz.”

[Image via Wired]

Posted in Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Encylopedia Britannica: a set of books that sat on your shelves

Last week, when the Encyclopedia Britannica announced that it has published its last print edition, the Internet bemoaned the death of an era. The New York Times devoted an entire Room for Debate feature to the discussion of the publication’s demise. But we all know the conclusion of this debate. This news is a terrible tragedy, for how will we be able to ascertain with a single glance at a bookshelf a family’s upper middle class bona fides?

Sadly, entire generations of children will grow up never knowing what it is to plagiarize by hand, their cramped fingers having to copy letter by letter. Some have complained that they’ll miss aesthetic weight the leather-bound volumes lent to their bookshelves. If you find you simply just can’t fill the void, may I recommend a display of laser discs, CDs, cassette tapes, 8 tracks, 78s, 45s, wax cylinders, or classic books series, all of which you can find on eBay. Shelf filled, problem solved.

In honor of the death of this musty old friend, it’s only fair that we take a look back at the type of things we’ll miss. For instance, the entry on asthma from the 1890 Americanized Encyclopedia, Revised and Amended: A dictionary of arts, sciences and literature; to which is added biographies of livings subjects.

You can click here [or the above image] for the full text, but here are a few of the highlights.

  • ASHTMA, a disorder of respiration characterized by severe paroxysms of difficult breathing, usually followed by a period of complete relief.
  • When the expectorant is abundant, the asthma is called humid, but when there is little or none it is termed dry.
  • Morphine should be given in 1/8-grain doses every hour or two till relieved, or chloroform or sulphuric ether inhaled during the paroxysm.
  • Tobacco fumes are also useful in some cases to produce a relaxation of the pectoral muscles and afford relief.
  • If morphine is administered, no more than three-quarters of a grain should be given unless by a physician.

What at shame it would be if this information could be updated more easily or accessed more instantaneously.

[Image and text via Google Books]

Posted in Research | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

This post will go viral

I am working on a viral video. You are going to love it. I just know you will. I’m 100 percent sure. Why? Because it involves character actor Bronson Pinchot, who is a person who used to be kind of famous and now is not doing things that it will not make sense for him to do be doing (basket weaving, sheep shearing). It will also involve muskrats, precisely because it shouldn’t involve muskrats, which are an under-utilized (or perhaps perfectly utilized) semi-aquatic rodent.

It will also involve footage from a local cable access dance show where people are doing the percolator, which is a song as well as a dance from the ’90s, a decade that has passed, that people didn’t really appreciate much then and will appreciate even less now and, therefore, even more.

But the soundtrack will be King Missile’s “Detachable Penis,” which is a weird song very few people knew even when it was likely to be known. It’s the perfect amount of random. I calculated it. I should probably mention that it will also have frequent and perfectly-timed jump cuts to an extreme close-up on an old man with just the perfect number of teeth missing (7), who will be smiling while dressed as Robin Hood. At the bottom of the screen, the text “FAR OUT!!” will flash repeatedly.

As for unexpected physical pain, which is a thing that all people love, there will be a montage of increasingly funny animals kicking men wearing fanny packs (the accessories) in the crotch: kangaroo, camel, bonobo, emu, camel, jackrabbit, wallaby (as this is unexpected after kangaroo), all of which will have large moustaches.

As for the star wipe, it will be used for every transition that is not a jump cut. Actually, I’m only 99 percent sure that you’ll love this video. Which is why there will also be long-haired bovines dancing in a burlap bag while the parody song “Sackety Yaks” plays. Further, the montage of telenovela stars grimacing “Ernesto!” will come at the perfect time (1:47).

See, I’ve been paid to write “viral videos,” none of which went viral, which is a problem with the Internet, I suspect, and not me and certainly not the idea of “making something go viral.” So I should probably bump that 92 percent down to about 89 percent. That’s still pretty good though.

Okay, I’m going to level with you. I have no idea what makes something go viral, but fortunately for the companies who pay lots of money to have their content “go viral,” University of Melbourne professor Brent Coker does. See, he has a formula for knowing exactly what the kids want. It’s science. As for why his formula for what will go viral hasn’t gone viral, one can only assume that people want to keep this secret to themselves, lest everything go viral and therefore nothing.

Here is a funny picture of what happens when you Google “funny picture.”

Posted in Media | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

How not to get kids (or anyone) off drugs

Let’s say someone really likes cookies. Like he craves them all the time. At school or at work, cookies are all he can think about. At first cookies were something he shared with a friend or ate while he was watching his favorite TV show. Now they are the friend and the TV show. Everything else throughout the day is really just an intolerable barrier to the sweet, sweet cookiefest that awaits him when he gets home.

Let’s say you think this cookie consumption is a problem. How would you get him to stop eating cookies? Would you show him a dramatically shot plate of beautiful, fresh, mouthwatering and glistening cookies? Probably not.

You and Columbia University have differing opinions. Of course, you probably wouldn’t name a drug treatment program “STARS” (Substance Treatment and Research Service of Columbia University) either.

The following 30 seconds have actually been running on actual TV (I saw it on NY1).

And that’s with the sound on. Now watch it muted. It takes on a whole other level of bad. It’s basic rule of ad production that you should watch spots with the sound off at least once just to see how they might strike the viewer. Here, it’s striking alright, what with the black-and-white beauty shots that I’m pretty sure were taken from a never-aired TV movie about Studio 54. “Super Fly” (not the soundtrack) seems more anti-cocaine. If this spot’s goal is to get coke addicts to want to do coke, then it resoundingly succeeds. And for a research program that actually needs addicts to function, maybe it’s just refilling the well.

The following is an inexhaustive list of things that are wrong with this video:

  • The word “cocaine” is written in a font resembling cocaine.
  • The word “cocaine” that is written in a font resembling cocaine spins (neato!).
  • It shows you how to prepare cocaine, a sight that might make you want to prepare cocaine.
  • It (visually at least) shows none of the harmful effects the drug can have on your life.
  • The word “help” is literally written in lines of cocaine.

This video is indeed a screaming cry for help, if you mean “Hey guys, come help me do all this cocaine!”

Fact: It is not okay to make fun of the dangers of drugs or drug addiction. Fact: It is okay to make fun of anti-drug messages because they almost always get it wrong, especially when targeted at kids.

Scientific American addiction blogger Cassie Rodenberg has a post with a few choice examples. There’s perennial crowd favorite “I learned it by watching you” and a few hidden gems. Check it out and stay off drugs.

Posted in Drugs | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

KTD cheated

In the eighth grade, everyone at my middle school took a vocational test that purported to determine what sort of non-professional job you’d be best at, a pro at, so to speak. This test, even more so than others, was pure hell. It essentially comprised two hours of quality control factory work via Scantron technology.

One “exercise” involved connecting what were essentially sets of arrow heads (think opposing carets) by drawing the straightest straight line your cramped hand could manage from one to the other. One girl, who was a solid B-plus/A-minus student and later ended up going to an elite private school, decided to cheat. This was where she would triumph. She was determined to be the best at straight-arrow-drawing, which I guess would by extension make you a good draftsperson in a tiny blueprint sweatshop.

How do you cheat at drawing straight lines? You start before the time allotted. I quit shortly after time began (but only after squiggly and wavy lines lost their luster). She gave herself an illegal 7 to 10 second head start. I assume she “won.”

Squiggly line

One of my lines (reproduction)

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the nature of cheating. It is the nature of human nature. Contrary to popular belief, cheating was not recently invented by rich kids on Long Island. Indeed it predates those who pursue an unfair advantage in seeking admission to Harvard instead of Yale, Amherst instead of Wesleyan, Duke instead of, gasp, Emory.

Cheating, it seems, is as old as paper. It began over a thousand years ago when one guy decided to pull some trickery to get ahead. Ever since then, people have been copying him (or so goes the just-now-invented old joke). Academics trace the origins of academic cheating to the origin of the standardized test. The standardized test, along with paper, was invented by the Chinese.

For over a millenium, the civil service examination system of China represented a path to the Chinese dream. With little more than knowledge, Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment